Portraits of Grace: Judy
Portraits of Grace is a snapshot into the lives of the people at King's Cross Church. As "kingdom minded, kingdom people," we recognize God's work in every detail of our lives. We invite you to meet the people of our church.
I was extremely "emo" person growing up. I thought about how messed up the world was. I was fixated that my parents loved my brother more. I thought "I was never "good" enough". "They will never be happy with me". "I am a huge disappointment and failure". The more I thought about these things the more I thought that it would be so much better if I was never born, to just snuff out my existence.
That's when it started. I got fixated on death itself. How life is so fragile, and everything seems hopeless and meaningless. I started dabbling in the occult- witchcraft, astrology and divination. My obsession, to want to control what seems like the only thing that I can control, myself. I wanted to control my own destiny. And these tools served this purpose. In my darkest moments, suicide was always in the forefront of my mind. "No one will miss you!", "No matter how loud I scream, no one will hear me anyway, why bother."
On the outside, I was calm, collected, but in the inside, anger, loneliness, evil, self destructiveness raged on. Even shortly after becoming a Christian. I continued dabbling in the occult, thoughts of suicide continued to linger in my thoughts, I didn't think it was wrong. In private moments when my mind wanders. It always wandered back to the thoughts of death and how I lacked control in my life. In fact, I thought that Jesus justified my thoughts, by saying how I want to be with him sooner or quicker.
One night, I was in studio, staying up late completing a project, that these thoughts finally overwhelmed me. I have had enough, I wanted to finally gain control of my own life and just end it. As I was crying and getting ready to slit my wrist, I heard very clearly, "And one who's cried like you, Wanting so much just to lay down and die, I offer this, we must remember this, We are not home yet, we are not home yet, Keep on looking ahead, let your heart not forget, We are not home yet," I thought it was my imagination, the cowardice inside of me trying to prevent me from going through with what I had planned.
The CD, a big brother from church had lent me, was a compilation of songs, and Stephen Curtis Chapman's song "Not Home Yet" was one of the songs in it. In my disbelief, I went to the CD player and replayed the song from the beginning. All the other lyrics to the many different songs in the CD was a big blur, white noise in the background, drowned out in my crying, but I was able to hear those lyrics, when I was finally going to kill myself. That was the work of the Holy Spirit! When I thought that no one heard me. Or who I am didn't matter, God heard me. He heard my cries for help. He was the one listening to me and reassured me that Christ died for me, so that I can hear Him. I am a daughter of God.
I didn't realized it at the time. But I haven't thought about suicide since that night. Christ's love and grace, freed me from my infatuation with death and the occult, in fact, He has freed me from sin and death. I still have a tendency to want to control things and still am a sinner in need of grace, but I hold onto the future grace, in Romans 8."For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved."